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Pour Les Petits Animaux

Pour Les Petits Animaux

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Track 2. Stuffed Guineapigs can’t play Cricket

In the early 1990s we had a holiday in the South West, and visited Mr Potter’s House of Wonders, a bizarre little museum at the Jamaica Inn on Bodmin Moor, where there were all sorts of assemblages of stuffed animals; sadly the collection was sold off in 2003.

Now Mr Walter Potter had sharp eyes and a subtle wrist
He was a Victorian gentleman and a fine taxidermist
The products of his craftsmanship now fill a small museum
If it moved there was nuffin’ that he didn’t enjoy stuffing
And he knew people would pay to see’em, (good money) knew people would pay to see ‘em

There are kittens getting married
And forty small rabbits with quite unnatural habits being educated in a village school
There are toads on swings, rats playing cards, and cats dancing a jig
But the exhibit people pick it is a match of cricket, played by twenty eight guineapigs (ex guinea pigs), Played by twenty eight guinea pigs

Stuffed guinea pigs can’t play cricket, one half as well as I
People say that I play like a stuffed guineapig, but at the very least I’m alive
Stuffed guinea pigs can’t play cricket and I think it’s a crying shame
To stuff a guineapig in an anthropomorphic pose
Is not English and it’s not a game (not sport) not English and it’s not a game.

Now guineapigs and humans live very different lives
Guineapigs can do many wonderful things, but they can’t play cover drives
They’ve got short square bodies, not short square legs
They’re completely the wrong shape
Sith their stubby little paws and tiny little claws they can’t spin an offbreak (or bowl an away swinger) can’t spin an off break

Just think if the roles had been reversed, if you can surmise
That Mr Walter Potter had been a guineapig, and humans wound up taxidermised
If you were one of his subjects, would you like it very much
Or be sick as parrot to be portrayed eating a carrot, or sitting in a guineapig hutch (you wouldn’t like it) sitting in a guineapig hutch

From a human point of view they all look rather sweet, from a guineapig’s it’s rather tough
To have all your little insides pulled out, to be replaced with stuff (ing)
If humans have a right to dignity then guineapigs do to
These poor little cavies should be resting in their gravies
Not exhibited to public view (it’s a disgrace), not exhibited to
public view


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